


Morelli and the Four-Twiggy Ass

by anonymous_sibyl



Category: Stephanie Plum - Evanovich
Genre: Female Protagonist, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-19
Updated: 2008-09-19
Packaged: 2017-10-03 23:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymous_sibyl/pseuds/anonymous_sibyl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fourteen dollars of discount baked goods, a trashy novel, and a Big Gulp Diet Coke with no ice later I was finally ready to face the music.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Morelli and the Four-Twiggy Ass

**Author's Note:**

> This work is licensed under a [Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License](http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/us/). None of the media or characters written about in my fanfiction belong to me and I make no profit from these works. 

Fourteen dollars of discount baked goods, a trashy novel, and a Big Gulp Diet Coke with no ice later I was finally ready to face the music. I crammed a last mouthful of whoopee pie into my mouth and licked the crumbs from my lips. I could do this. I could totally do this. No problem.

"Right, Rex?" I pushed a berry into his cage and he stuffed it into his cheek before scurrying back into his can. I took that to mean he agreed with me. I needed to learn to be as relaxed about life as Rex. Maybe I would if I was safely locked in a cage with smiling giants dropping my favorite foods in on me at all hours of the day and night.

When you think about it, that's kind of what Morelli was offering me--a nice, cushy cage. Of course, he called it marriage. Some days I called it servitude and other days I called it hot sex on tap. Morelli wasn't overly fond of either description, though he certainly seemed to have a preference for the hot sex part.

My phone rang and I jumped about a foot. It was a good thing I scared easily, otherwise I'd never get any exercise. I ignored it in favor of steadying my racing heart and cutting myself a piece of chocolate-mocha cake for medicinal purposes.

I stopped having a recorded message when I realized it just encouraged the perverts, so there was a moment of silence before the beep, then Lula started talking.

"Girl, you see him yet? Pick up if you're home."

I bit my nails and hunched down out of sight below the countertop. For all I knew Lula was in the parking lot. Hell, for all I knew Lula, Morelli, Ranger, and _my mother_ were all in the parking lot having pineapple upside down cake. I fought the urge to look out the window to make sure they weren't. I hate it when I miss dessert.

"Maybe you can't pick up," she continued. "Maybe you're on your back with your knees next to your ears and your panties around your ankle."

I should be so lucky.

"You call me later if you need me to come over with my gun."

I'd keep that in mind, except it was more likely I'd need her to bring food because my snack supply was seriously dwindling. I was eyeing the phone and thinking about calling her back for some fried chicken and doughnuts when it rang again.

"Stephanie. It's your mother. Answer this phone."

No way.

"Right now, Stephanie."

Not for all the doughnuts in the Burg.

"Your father is very upset."

My father was only upset when dinner was late and his favorite TV shows were pre-empted. This was my mother pouring on the guilt. In the pause I heard her pouring something else. Great. When my mother starts drinking out of the bottle she hides in the cabinet behind the pancake mix and sugar substitute there's a problem.

Grandma Mazur's voice came over the phone. "Is that Stephanie? Are you talking to Stephanie? I need to talk to her, I need to know what it looks like. I'm thinking of trying it myself."

Oh, god. The image of Grandma trying this was too much. I broke into the bag of potato chips and wondered if it would help at all if I dipped them into something. How did I let this happen? This morning started like any other day. I got up, fed Rex, put on my loosest jeans and a Devils sweatshirt, and went to pick up an FTA—that's Failure To Appear. Everything was normal until it happened.

Maybe it was PMS. Maybe I could get a doctor's note to explain it. I couldn't show my face in public for the next however long unless I thought of something.

"Babe."

I hadn't even jumped when the phone rang this time, or when Ranger's voice filled the room. I congratulated myself on that by dipping a chip into some chocolate frosting.

"Babe, how bad could it be?"

He was killing me. "You're killing me," I mumbled.

"Pick up the phone instead of talking at the machine," Ranger said.

I can admit it, that time I jumped. I layered frosting on the chip, then peanut butter over it. I reached above my head to the counter for the box of raisins I kept for Rex. Some of those would taste just right on top of the chip. Also they were fruit and therefore good for me. I felt Ranger would approve.

"I hear from you by tomorrow or I come by to see you myself." I was pretty sure he was laughing when he hung up. I picked the raisins off the peanut butter and rolled them into Rex's cage. Take that, good health. Rex kicked a raisin back down at me and it stuck in my hair. I took that to be a sign.

Ignoring the raisin, I crawled across the floor and knelt by the phone. How bad could this be? Call Morelli's cell, maybe he'll be working, maybe it'll be busy, confess all my sins to his voicemail, then go hide in bed until next Christmas.

He answered. Crap. "I need to see you."

"Well, well." I could hear the smirk in his voice. "Do you need to see _all_ of me?"

"Not like that," I snapped. "I need you to see me."

Now I could hear the sigh. "What did you do?"

"Why do you always assume I've done something?"

"Because you always have."

And he wanted to get married. As if I'd marry a man who knew me that well. I'd have to be crazy. I caught sight of myself reflected in the toaster—wait, I was. "Just get over here. And bring pizza."

He hung up promising a pizza with the works, beer, and doughnuts. Maybe I'd rethink this marriage thing. At least he knew the way to my heart was directly through my stomach. He must have been close by—and expecting to come over tonight—because he was there within minutes and the pizza was slightly cool.

"I saw your car in the lot when I was parking, so I know it isn't that," he said without looking at me. "So what's so bad you had to call me to come over?"

"You already had the pizza." Yeah, I was pouting. So?

"Bob and I get hungry." He turned around and stopped dead. "You've got a raisin in your hair," he said, picking it out. "You and Rex get into an argument?"

"Rex was just offering up his opinion of my new hairstyle." I could feel tears bubbling up behind my eyes. If he laughed I was going to knee him in the balls then take all the beer and pizza into my room. Morelli and Bob could fend for themselves.

"It's…" He ran his hand over my newly shorn head. "Short."

There went the tears. "I don't know what happened. I was having a regular day, I went for a trim because I never have time, and the next thing I knew I heard myself saying keep going."

"Were you hallucinating?"

I punched him in the chest. "I knew you wouldn't understand."

He cupped my cheek and I could feel the raisin he'd forgotten sticking to me. I knew that good health stuff would get me into trouble.

"Stephanie. Cupcake."

Oh, crap. I hated it when Morelli got all nice. Every time he got nice I ended upon my back with my skirt over my head and Morelli making choo-choo noises against my most private of parts.

"You look great." His hand was inching up my thigh, heading directly for my zipper. "I like it short. It's like Twiggy."

Twiggy, my ass. Actually, I could fit about four Twiggy's on my ass on account of how big it was from all the comfort eating I'd done today. Then I had Morelli's hand on my four-Twiggy ass, my jeans heading for the floor, and Rex was hiding in his can while Morelli was coming into the station.

Huh. Maybe short hair could work in the Burg after all.


End file.
